The Secret Diary of André Villas-Boas Pt. V

Posted on March 2, 2012 by


Darling Joana was expertly preparing a jazzy mezze platter (we have the same every Friday after I return from training, although we do tend to rotate olive nationality). She danced, as she chopped, to ethereal Balearic pop. I looked her sternly in the face and professed my undying love for her, before turning my attentions to a list of possible post-redundancy projects. Now, I present this list to you, dear reader, in descending order of attractiveness and plausibility:

1) Stage a thirty-day Dennis Potter retrospective at a major London theatre, using only ex-professional footballers as acting staff. (To do: ask Peter [my secretary] to discover what David Seaman’s current haircut is and, if acceptable, sound him out about getting on board. In the unfortunate event of a ponytail, consider Stuart Pearce, or Luther Blissett.)

2) Inaugurate a new football website for strategy aficionados. (To do: research amusing domain names to lend my project the modicum of joie de vivre which so lamentably lacks.)

3) Set up a tourist-friendly Croque Monsieur restaurant in Paris’ 16th arrondissement, with different themed cheese and ham combinations named after famous Frenchmen. Current possibilities include: ‘Croque Zidane’, ‘Croque Depardieu,’  ‘Croque Le Pen’. (NB: room for expansion into a ‘Croque Madame’ franchise – ‘Croque of Arc’?)

4) Co-write a series of romantic novella with dearest Joana.

5) Set up a locals-only vegan restaurant-boat on Lake Zürich. (To do: approach Roberto Di Matteo regarding the role of Sous Chef.)


Looking back now, with the benefit of hindsight and the lubricating presence of olive oil in my digestive system, I cannot help but wonder if the order of attractiveness and plausibility ought to be entirely reversed. Thankfully, the call of evening birdsong now distracts me from such trivial thoughts, imploring that I rest my pen and step out, out, into the wonder of this world. Goodbye, dear reader.


Find the first four parts of The Secret Diary here.