English Footballers Abroad

Posted on June 11, 2011 by


Perhaps there is nothing more serenely beautiful than the English footballer on holiday. Finally able to relax after a long season’s running and kicking, he enjoys a few pairs of pints away from the prying eyes of his foreign manager. He wears one of those hats which were popular in the nineties. He airs his pasty skin in the Mediterranean sun, allowing all the stresses and strains of the season to burn away. The twin-stenches of tobacco smoke and sun cream linger in his puckered nostrils as he closes his eyes to dream of glorious sporting battles past.

Lampski will probably take Christine Bleakley to Thailand or somewhere a bit fancy (and you can bet that Chilesy’ll mysteriously end up on the same flight). Rio’ll take Anton and the Original Dubes somewhere hot and dress up in revealing women’s clothing for the bant. Most importantly, a good time will be had by all. So much so, in fact, that there are a growing number of English expat footballers, so impressed by the continental exoticism of their summer holidays that they decide to leave England altogether – for example, Michael Mancienne (previously of Chelsea/Wolves) recently became the first Englishman to try his luck as a Hamburger since Kevin Keegan (probably, I haven’t researched that), and Jermaine Pennant had a great time during his recent stint at Zaragoza in Spain by all accounts.

But if there’s one thing I can’t stand it’s emigrants. Holidays are undeniably where it’s at. Is there anything better than seeing paparazzi-photos and fudged tabloid reports of highly-paid professional footballers finally getting the chance to kick-back and enjoy their fuckin’ summer holidays? The answer is no.

The holiday of the English football-manager is a less heart-warming affair, however. Cruises and golf are lamentably de rigueur. They spend all their time on the phone to agents and wantaway players, sweating into their sangria, whilst simultaneously trying to devise new complex tactical systems for their pre-season friendly against FC Rabotnicki, resisting the advances of their ageing wives who “just want to snuggle.” Foreign chalkboards aren’t as reliable as English ones, either.

The holiday of the football pundit, though, is indefensibly hideous.

The less said on the subject, the better.

By Phil Dodds (@CrowdGoBananes)

Posted in: Football